An Open Letter to the Universe


Hello out there? Universe? Heaven? Whoever is holding the unearthed soul of my little boy! I am coming for you. I am coming to get my son back. I am DONE with you holding him. You had no right to take him in the first place. He belongs here. With my husband and I. He needs to come home and meet his new little brother. He’s missed too much already, and we’ve missed too much of him.

He would be 2 now. He’s meant to be running around our house – making a mess, playing with toys, squealing with joy. He’s meant to be at family events – playing with his cousins (and fighting with them too). Why does he have to miss out? Why do we have to miss out? Why do his cousins and aunties and uncles and grandparents have to miss out?

Who do you think you are, universe? Why have you done this to us? You have stolen something so precious. Something totally irreplaceable. You have taken our firstborn son and replaced him with a sadness that lingers. And lingers. And lingers.

Sure, the intense pain that was present in the beginning has died down to a dull roar. Maybe even a quiet hum. But it’s a quiet hum that never goes away. Even in the loudest room, on the happiest occasions, surrounded by the people I love…there is the hum. Even on a good day, behind my biggest smile…there is the hum.

It hurts. I don’t like it. I want to put it on mute. But there’s no remote control. Nothing to muffle the sound. I can’t grasp it, or swat it away. It just hangs there. Heavily. The hum in the place of my son.

Well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of grieving politely. I’m tired of fighting to keep his memory alive. I’m tired of looking for ‘signs’ from you that my son is around. I just want him here. In person. Right now. No more beautiful sunsets. No more blue butterflies in the garden. No more white feathers on my doorstep. No more signs! Just my son please.  

Most days the ‘signs’ lift me up. They hold my broken heart. Most days I am ‘positive’. On these days, I cherish the short time I had with my son. I look to learn from my experience, and grow from my grief. I am kind to you, universe.

Today is not one of those days. Tomorrow I will try again. Tomorrow will be better. But today, universe, I am angry! Today, I don’t want to hear it! Today, I will take nothing less than my son back in my arms.


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